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User talk:Captain Gregory Monkeyhead
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the This Hole in the Ground page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 18:13, May 15, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:45, May 15, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:34, May 27, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story There are quite a lot of punctuation, wording, and story issues present. Starting with the basics that really don't factor into a story's deletion but are still important to learn, this is how a majority of your story was formatted: She quickly ran to her room’s door, with the intention to help her parents with bringing everything inside the house, when she encountered a strange problem: her door was locked. She didn’t even know her door had a lock. Punctuation issues: There are a lot of periods being used improperly in dialogue. "stupid door’s locked.(,)” she shouted.", "”No.(,)” sobbed Ashley.", "If you want defend yourself, here you go.(,)” said the monster", "”What do you care? They’re nice.(,)” she said", etc. You should really only use a period if it ends the sentence. All of those should be commas as there is a preceding action that continues the sentence. Here's a guide for reference if you're confused. Wording issues: "what kind of a person adopts a child only to abandon it (them) later?", "It was black as the night, ugly, but also little, like a child from kindergarten" Using 'but' implies a contradicting statement (Example: "She was small, but had a presence about her.") "She didn’t trust the little monster, but spending another minute in that hollow room would drive her crazy" Hollow really doesn't work as a descriptor there. Do you mean to say empty? "it was too late, and her father’s body fell on her fragile body" Avoid repeating words as it becomes redundant. I would also suggest reading it aloud to catch instances of awkward wording. You also change tenses accidentally a couple of times through-out the story. "she realized those are (were) her parents’ chairs", "she considered going back to her room, but she suspected that the road behind her is (was) not just a straight line", etc. Story issues: Here's what mainly tipped the scales. A lot of the human dialogue needs re-working. Lines like: "”I should just kill you, you evil bastard.” hissed Ashley with anger in her voice.", ”You want to kill me with that? You bitch. I always knew we shouldn’t trust you.”, "”I can’t believe it. You really did it, right? You ungrateful…”", ”Fuck that gypsy… and her prophecy. Why did you do it?” They really don't come of as natural and some feel forced. Story issues cont.: Why exactly are her foster parents trying to kill her? ("With the speed of a wolf, he jumped at Ashley, throwing her at the ground, hitting her face a few times.", ”I’m sorry, baby, but it has to be done.”", etc.) It really doesn't make much sense that the father's first reaction to seeing his foster daughter holding a knife is to just start punching her in the face (especially if he's concerned about the prophecy). The mother is a bit more justified, but looking at the scene still causes some problems. The mother has a gun to her head and then "She stabbed her mother, right in the belly, where she had stabbed her father before." Wouldn't the mother shoot her before she could do that or even after as being stabbed doesn't necessarily incapacitate you (much like the protagonist who was shot moments before that scene). Story issues end: "Can’t believe you did it. I thought moving here would be a good way to…escape that stupid story." This really comes out of nowhere. So there is a Gypsy prophecy involved where the girl would kill her parents? If they really believed the prophecy could be fulfilled (seemingly why they moved in the first place), why wouldn't they just put the daughter back into foster care instead of moving away? If they think she's a danger to them, why would they just lock her in her room? The latter half also feels pretty rushed with this revelation and the hanged god being crammed into the last couple of paragraphs. I'm sorry, but this needs quite a bit or re-working and revision to fix up its issues and it really isn't ready for the site. These were a few of the issues present in your story which resulted in its deletion. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:04, May 27, 2016 (UTC)